I think this is a long time coming.
Pretty certain it is the upcoming check in appointment with my bariatric team that is coming up that has knocked a bit of reality into me.
I have gained. I do not know exactly how much because I am afraid of the scale.
The impact it has on me mentally. But I know I NEED to get on it.
Hard day today…needing this reminder of how far I have come. #wls#weightloss #wlscommunity #gettinghealthy #IamWorthIt #NoExcuses#ICanDoIt #BabySteps #KeepGoing #GettingFit #WorkingOnMe#BreakThePlateau #BackToBasics #WeightLossSurgery #TimeToThrive#OneDayatATime #Breathe #IDefineMe #IWillBeOk #EmotionsCanBeHard
So I do not end up back where I began or God forbid heavier!
So this weekend I am getting my kitchen into shape.
I will be prepping after I purge.
It is time I jump back on my journey in full force. This time 101% for ME…and just ME.
The irony was having WLS back in 2012 was to save my marriage. Then he decides to walk out of our marriage 2 years later…me 150+ pounds lighter and feeling fabulous. Until recently when he announced his engagement I felt like i truly could not move on. I will admit initially it through me for a loop. He discarded me after 20+ years of marriage, now is engaged to a woman 10 years younger than me and seems to have all going for him. I have to admit it really took a toll on my self esteem.
I admit it still is taking a bit of a toll. I contantly ask myself what is wrong with me that no man is attracted to me. My friends tell me how wonderful I am and I just need to be patient because someone that will truly treat me they way I deserve will come along, that there is not anyone good enough that I have yet met. I would love to believe that but I feel like my ex robbed me of any happy future. I feel like he stole the best years of my life. I am not 50 yet but approaching quickly and truly wonder if there will ever be a special someone in my life ever again.
I was not entirely sure if I ever wanted to deal with a man ever again, but I do have friends that have some amazing marriages and know that good guys do exist. On the downside the ones I know are taken…married to my fave friends.
Dating again scares me. I am not certain I remember how to date. How to carry on a conversation with someone to get to know him.”How on earth will I do this?” That is what runs through my head….all the time it seems.
So how do I go from getting my kitchen in shape to dating? THAT is how my head goes. I know my weight should not matter to a man that wants to get to know me…the person I am , not how I look. THIS is an issue in my head thanks to my ex telling me horrid things like how much he hated people that were overweight and that if I truly LOVED HIM I would have lost the weight and when our kids were young he never helped carry anything. Not the kids in the carriers, not the groceries, not the laundry….nothing. Told me he needed me to prove I could do it. UGH Bad memories just flood my head.
It is really all related. The head junk and the kitchen, at least for me.
I have been feeding these feelings and emotions the past 2 years not allowing myself the time to think or process the feelings an emotions.
It is time.
Time to purge!
Purge the badness.
All of it and get on my way to healing.